“Who do you think you are coming to an audition for a play?” the tiny voice in my head asked as I pulled into the theater parking lot.
I turned off the radio and just sat there. The car’s engine was still running. I looked at the notes I’d written down about where the audition would be held, at what time, and what to bring. I had my one-minute monologue typed out just in case I wanted to review it again for the last time. I was here, and I was on time.
7 p.m. My heart was beating loudly in my ears, in my hands, in my throat. What was I afraid of? I looked outside the window and saw a few other people getting out of their cars and walking toward the building. “I guess this is the right place,” I thought.
Then that tiny, evil, little voice asked, “Who the hell do you think you are coming to an audition?”
“Shut up,” I whispered.
“You didn’t even bring a headshot or a resume. Who do you think you are, trying out for a play… at a theater? You’re going to look like an idiot to these people.”
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled… to myself. Where was this coming from? Why was I talking to myself this way?
Tears began to well up, and I put the car in “drive.” I pulled out of my parking spot, and slowly turned onto the street. There were no other cars… so I drove slowly. Very slowly.
Then somehow, I don’t know how, my pity party turned into anger! Maybe I remembered my mom telling me that I can do anything I set my mind to do. Or maybe it was my friend who said that I better audition or I would regret it for the rest of my life. Or maybe it was the Buddha’s advice on living for the present instead of the past or the future. Or–wait–perhaps it was Yoda’s, “Do or do not. There is not try!”
I don’t know, but then I stepped on the gas and at the other entrance pulled into the parking lot again. I angrily parked my car, took the keys out of the ignition, grabbed my notes, and marched into the building to be a part of the audition. (Maybe, I’ll write about that audition in another post.)
With this little experience, I’ve come to three realizations: (1) sometimes the loudest negativity comes from me, (2) I haven’t heard those demeaning voices for some time now [Thank God!], and (3) YES, I am a drama queen.
Image source: Detail from box office at San Pedro Playhouse Cellar Theater.