I Never Had a Best Friend

1 Feb

 

That’s right. I never had a best friend. Don’t take this as a plea for help, or attention, or solicitation. I do not need anyone’s pity, nor am I taking applications for a best friend. I am just stating a fact: I simply never had ONE best friend.

Growing up, however, I did have close friends—usually girls—who would hang out with me… or there was always a big group of us that would hang out.

I don’t know what it is about me. Maybe I have trust issues. Or maybe, just deep down, I really do not like people. I blame my introversion.

I have always considered myself a shy person. And thus an introvert, keeping mostly to myself and analyzing the heck out of every situation.

I’ve never been one to divulge entire secrets to anyone. Maybe I was burned in the past. Maybe I can’t remember. Or maybe the fear I feel in fully investing my entire self into someone is unjustified and irrational, but that fear exists and is palpable.

I sometimes feel like I am living separate lives: I know myself fully (or maybe I still don’t), my acquaintances know another side of me, my friends know another side of me, up until recently my boyfriend knew another side of me, and my family knows a completely other side of me. No crossing lines or borders; just building walls to help make me feel safe (in my own unstable fortress of solitude).

And here’s the thing, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I’m learning to live with all the dirty secrets of my self. So, I’m not completely sure that not having a best friend is not a good thing.

How’s that for a triple negative!

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